Nobody likes to talk about dying, along with money and relationship issues, it is known as one of the most incredibly difficult and delicate subject to discuss. And one that the majority of people choose to avoid, especially with their friends and family. Of course we don’t want to upset those we love by talking about something sad, but one conversation now can be invaluable when the time comes if it means your loved ones don’t find themselves completely unaware of what our preferences or wishes would be. This years “Dying Matters” theme is “Lets talk about death and dying” and we are here to help with that.

Here we will discuss how you can gently and effectively have the conversation, and how you can record it for the future (for free) if you wish.

The first Question – Burial or Cremation.

So often, we sit with families who tell us they have no idea what it is their loved one would have wanted, so they find themselves making this first decision without any knowledge of whether this is what they would have actually chosen. If those arranging the funeral are unsure which option to choose, cost of course contributes largely to this decision. The difference in cost between a burial and cremation is quite large, but if you don’t know what it is your loved one would have wanted, it can be very difficult to make that choice when faced with such differing costings.

Of course, there is also the option of direct cremation, which many people decide their loved one would have chosen as they “didn’t want any fuss”.

If that is an outcome of your conversation, it is so important to talk about the finer details of a direct cremation and the differences between instructing a national direct cremation company (like the ones that advertise on the television) or a local, independent funeral director. Local, independents still offer the “no fuss” option, but with care, compassion and your loved one stays close by. You can even choose to visit them in the chapel of rest if you wanted to and at Franklin and Hawkins we are always available to talk through your direct cremation options (because every option should include choices), with no pressure.

What kind of funeral would they actually want?

It is human nature to discuss what we see on the television, social media or even in real life and make the comparison with our own lives, and funerals are no different. For example, both Coronation Street and Eastenders both feature working funeral directors, and given the heartbreak and dramas soaps are known for these days, funerals are frequently shown on screen. This can be so useful when starting the conversation with your family and friends. Maybe you have seen a post on Facebook where all mourners wore a particular colour to honour their loved one, or maybe when you saw Shane MacGowan’s family and friends dancing in the church at his service last year it made you consider requesting your loved ones celebrate your life in a similar way?

Another consideration is that, you may know your loved one is religious but doesn’t often go to church, however would you know if they would like a religious funeral service? We work with a wide variety of celebrants who can incorporate religious aspects into a service, which families often feel is the perfect mix of religion and honouring their loved ones life story.

Do they have a love of motorbikes or horses? If so would they like to express this on the day? We often work with Motorcycle Funerals and Victorian Carriages to bring that personalisation to a loved ones final journey.

What was that song called again?

Music plays a massive part in our lives, to being in the background while we get ready in the morning, to what you choose for the first dance at your wedding. Both can have as much impact to your day and your life. You may not remember much about the drive to school with your mum or dad when you were younger, but you may remember that song you would always sing a long to with them when it came on the radio.

Usually, three songs are chosen for a funeral service. The entrance, reflection and exit. They don’t have to follow the same theme, one could be a football song (“We live and die in these towns” is a particularly popular choice at the moment in Coventry) or one could be the song you associate most with the best times you spent together, but if you know what it is your loved one would want to be played at their funeral, the moment can feel really quite special. Sitting in the chapel and listening to the song they said they love the most, is a wonderful way to remember them and feel them close to you on the day itself.

Send me to the moon!

Whilst sending cremated remains into space is possible, it is also very costly (£3950 for example) it again serves as a conversation point. Some people choose to inter ashes at a local cemetery in an existing grave with other family members, and others choose to scatter at a favourite place, but knowing what it is that your loved one would wish to happen makes this decision much easier. You can have ashes made into jewellery, paperweights or even a piece of art painted just for them which you can display on your wall. Having this conversation can be so important if you or your loved one have a particular wish for your final resting place.

Record it forever, and for free.

Even with all the above in mind, we know the subject of dying is not easy to talk about, that is why we have created the feature to “Record your funeral wishes” online. This allows you to answer a few simple questions about your preferences, giving as little or as much information as you want to. We will then email you a copy you can keep and give to your loved ones if you wish, and we will also keep a copy here, safely and securely until the time comes. Many people find it so much easier to write something down than talk about it, but we hope this feature can bridge the gap between the two. When you have completed your recording, you may be surprised that it didn’t feel as difficult as you thought it would, and hopefully feel some relief that you have noted down your wishes, and it only took a few minutes.

Record your funeral wishes here for free

Of course, if you do wish to discuss a funeral plan with us, we are always available. Taking out a funeral plan guarantees todays funeral director prices and payments made now can alleviate the pressure on your loved ones at a later date. But we do of course understand that many people are not in the position to commit to an agreement financially, but do want to make their wishes known, so we hope this free service can bring some comfort and reassurance.

If you would like any further advice, then please pop into see us at our Marston Green or Tile Hill funeral homes. The kettle is always on (trust me it really is) and we are always happy to help.