Every May, Dying Matters Awareness Week arrives with one mission, to break down the stigma of talking about death and dying. Being honest, even as funeral directors, we don’t love the subject either. But we also see first hand the impact that death and grief has on those left behind, and studies show that 27% of people find it hard to talk about death with family and friends, and 30% bottle their feelings up. There seems to be an unspoken fear that if you talk about it, it will come true. Now while there is no truth behind that, there is truth in that if we don’t talk about death and dying now, it will be harder to cope with when we experience it.
Hospice UK, the organisation that heads up Dying Matters, gives the following advice to start the conversation, so lets explore how these can work for you:
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Choose the Right Time: Find a quiet, comfortable, and private place, free from interruptions.
You maybe sitting at home, out for a walk or simply making a cup of tea, whenever the time feels right and relaxed.
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Be Direct and Honest: Use clear language, such as “dying” or “death,” rather than “gone to sleep,” as this avoids confusion.
Using clear language when discussing death is incredibly important. It may feel easier or kinder to use terms such as “pass away” or “pass on” but communicating with words and terms that are simple and direct helps not just now but when the time comes.
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Use Natural Prompts: Start by discussing a news story, a famous person’s death, or planning ahead during a life change like retirement.
Death or funerals in the media can be helpful when wanting to discuss the subject with your friends or family. It’s human nature to have an opinion on what we see or read about and asking for someone’s take on this can be a really effective way to start the conversation as to how they feel they would want to be remembered.
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Ask Open Questions: Try, “I’ve been thinking about the future, can we talk about it?”.
If you start the chat by holding the responsibility for the subject, you can help the other person feel comfortable to express their thoughts too.
It is interesting to note that the majority of those who have a fear of dying are in their 20’s and the older we get, generally the more accepting we become. Feeling unsettled about death is completely valid and the conversation is rarely easy. It can bring up a past grief for example, and remind you how awful it was when you lost a loved one. Talking about your our mortality with those we may be leaving behind can feel cruel, because of course we want those we love to stay with us forever. But talking about it won’t change anything now, what it will do is make certain aspects a little bit easier when the time comes.
Knowing that your sister would want to be cremated or that your Dad would a certain song played at his funeral is something that will help massively when the times comes, and it only needs to be a small conversation now if you wanted.
Here at Franklin and Hawkins we have created the option to record your funeral wishes. It is a simple and free service where you can note down as much or as little as you like so your loved ones know your preferences when the time comes.
Record Your Funeral Wishes Here
By following this link you can make not just your practical but your personal wishes known also. It isn’t legally binding and it doesn’t sit in place of a funeral plan, but what it does do is assist your family and friends in knowing the arrangements you would like them to keep in mind. And when you have recorded your wishes we will email you a copy, and keep one here too.
We know that there will always be a reason not to talk about death, especially with those closest to you, so we hope that by creating this feature it will help open up the conversation and make it feel a little and easier.
There are also so many resources available on the Dying Matters website that can help, including links to their official podcast, book recommendations and stories from real people.
Dying Matters Resources
If you would like any advice or support in discussing your wishes with your loved ones, we are always here.
